i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
