these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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