After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
