Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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