I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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