yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have aggressive nipples.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
