she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
