i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
being pregnant is like rehab
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
