don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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