I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
