Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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