I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
