Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
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Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.