I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.