You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar