Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
