what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
