The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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