every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
