All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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