dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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