just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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