Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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