I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
