Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
