Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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