thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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