May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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