i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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