I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
