When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
