Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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