apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
