So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
