What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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