census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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