no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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