Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
