i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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