I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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