I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
