and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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