i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
