I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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