Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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