How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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