Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
