Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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