i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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