just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
