You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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