i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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