Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
