so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
