You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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