Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
