Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
