time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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