im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
