I think im going to throw up on grandma
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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