Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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