Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Welp...herpes.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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